Marisa T. Martin

I’ll be logging some serious air miles this year, so before I booked my first flight in January, I had a decision to make: which airline?

Back when I traveled heavily, I flew Continental.  They had conveniently located hubs – Houston when I was in New Mexico, Newark when I was in NYC – and weren’t Delta. 

But from Knoxville, Continental is expensive and inconvenient, leaving Delta, United, and US Air.  US Air planes tend to be scruffy and loud and old and their teams are rude and mirthless – no thanks.

Down to Delta and United.  I chose United because a) they’re not Delta and b) I like that they give me options, even if I have to pay for them.

Delta sucks.  Their flights are frequent and well-timed, but unless you fly 50,000 plus miles, you’ll never, ever, ever get upgraded out of Atlanta.  And they do little things that drive me nuts, like not letting me choose my seat when I check in if the flight is more than x% full.  That’s crap.  If I wanted to get there early to wait in line to get a good seat, I’d fly Southwest.  Last thing: I get that your flight attendants are here for my safety, but can we not make it such a grumpy experience?

So I fly United because they’re not Delta, but also because they give me a thousand options.  When I check-in, I’m given the privilege of paying extra if I want to board first, get a better seat, or upgrade completely.  I love it.  Sometimes I do want to pay $40 to go to the front of the line; other times, not so much.  And I’ll happily pay an extra $5 to sit farther forward than everyone who’s not willing.

Now if only you’d offer outlets.

That’s wrong, right?  I hadn’t traveled much in the past four years, spending most of my time in my home office.  In the past three months, though, I’ve logged quite a few air miles – and opinions about airports.

Knoxville: my home airport and one of the nicest.  The bathroom stalls are big – so I don’t have to awkwardly wrangle my carry-on – and the aesthetics (and people) are just plain nice.  Plus, if you’re there for any length of time, you can sit on rocking chairs and stare out at the mountains.

Charlotte: you suck.  Really.  Stapling pieces of paper over outlets – with a hand-scrawled “Do Not Use” - is tacky and ridiculous.  Charge me to use them, or charge me for something else, I don’t care, but don’t keep me from charging my laptop and phone while sitting in your stupid airport waiting to board a delayed flight.

Phoenix: moving walkway after moving walkway after moving walkway.  And this one needs a coat of paint and a deep-cleaning.  Bonus, though, for having a Starbucks deep within each terminal and not just in the connecting areas.

Indianapolis: love this one.  Bathroom stalls are big, moving walkways are convenient, and each terminal has a massage place that’s actually open most of the time!  And they keep your frequent massage card on file for you! And the restaurant bar has a view! (of the boring, flat Midwest, but still….)  It’s the little things.

Seattle: honestly, your airport is nothing special, but the people here are so very nice, and the open carpeted areas are nice for stretching out legs and (apparently) sleeping on one’s duffel bag.  If only you had more conveniently located (and, ahem, cleaner) bathrooms.

I cried on the phone with HSBC this morning.  Yes, the credit card company.

I was repeating the situation to the fourth person with as much diplomacy and understanding as I could, and suddenly, I couldn’t.  So instead of yelling, I cried.

It’s really hard to be rational in the face of unfairness.  I held my breath, reminded myself that it wasn’t this particular person’s fault, told myself that yelling and ranting would only make them less willing to help me, remembered every time I’ve been the manager stuck on the phone with a pissed off customer…

… but none of that worked.  In the end, I caved.  Three times.  And each time I caved, I was angrier.  Not only was I caving, I still wasn’t getting any closer to fairness.  And yet I kept caving in order to show what a rational person I was so that the other person would be rational.  Vicious circle (and irrational, at that).

I should have been working on a big presentation but I was talking to these jerks, except they weren’t jerks, they were just people like me making a living with the bounds of some system that tells them what they can and can’t do.  And I know it wasn’t that single person’s fault, but what is a corporation if not a group of people, and if I can’t yell at them, who can I yell at? Nobody!  The impotence made the frustration worse.

And as I sat crying at my desk, the frustrations kept piling up.   I hadn’t gotten a chance to refill my coffee before my next meeting, hadn’t fed the dogs, hadn’t charged my phone.  I hate HSBC.

But I couldn’t get over it until I learned something from it, and what I learned is applicable to both my professional and personal lives.  SO THERE, JERKS, I LEARNED SOMETHING FROM MY CRAPPY EXPERIENCE WITH YOU.  (Sorry, had to get it out of my system.)

What I learned from being on the wrong end of bad customer service:

Angry, unhappy, and/ or frustrated people can’t respond rationally.  I kept trying, but every action I took pushed me farther away from rational.  Acting rationally isn’t the same thing as politeness, and it’s not continuing to give in without getting anything in return, either.  You can yell and be rational, if yelling is warranted. 

When people who think of themselves as rational/ sane/ understanding/ fair are forced to be the opposite of that, they get even more angry.  The more I tried to show how I’m not one of those crazy irrational jerky people, the more I felt, well, screwed.  And then I was mad at being forced to be something I hate in other people – angry and poopy and on the verge of yelling at someone.

Words can’t always fix things.  Actions might.  As my tenuous control deteriorated, I should have hung up, but I kept hoping that my verbal control would pave the way to a more fair resolution.  But words don’t fix emotions.  Only time and action fix emotions which is why angry people throw things.  Anger requires action; anger is not dissuaded by words.  If you’ve hit Angry, it’s time for a break.

Going back through the timeline to find “a common understanding” only works before the person wants to throw things.  After that, it just feels like you (the responder) are trying to get out of something.  And that’s usually right.  So unless you can do this near the beginning of the escalating emotions, don’t bother.  It won’t work.

Gaining acquiescence isn’t always worth it.  I caved three times, ended the call by thanking the woman for her time and promised myself I would never try to be understanding with them again.  This is fine if you deal with people only once, but if you have a relationship (like my customers and I, like my husband and I), the stated compromise won’t be worth it, because the other person won’t even try next time, even if next time they’re clearly wrong.  HSBC would have been better off if I hadn’t caved at all, because now I won’t.  Ever.  Again.

After all that, it doesn’t take much to get back to okay.  This sucks but it’s true.  If that person had gotten off the phone, done some behind-the-scenes dealing, and called me back with one thing – one little thing – I’d probably feel less screwed.  Not NOT screwed, but less screwed, and at this point, I’ll take anything.  I’m not saying you should screw people over to get ahead, but if you do, you can recover pretty easily.  I didn’t yell at her because she was a person, and that bit of perspective would have allowed her to save the situation.

More on this later, including what not to do in a follow-up meeting about the escalation episode.

 

Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking

I’m a bit late to the party on this one, I know.  I tend to avoid anything that’s been hyped up, from movies to clothing to books, so while I’d heard about Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking'>“Blink”  for a while, I’d avoided it until recently.

Then I bought a Kindle.

My favorite feature allows me to read the first chapter of a book for free.  My budget-minded tendencies led me to read many, many first chapters and subsequently want to buy many, many books.  This was the most compelling at the time (though two books by Jon Krakauer were also tempting).

The same week I read Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking'>“Blink,” I attended a training class on Agile methodology.  Together, they solidified a new way of thinking about change: life changes because of small moments, not dramatic declarations.  You do something different when faced with a situation you’ve been in hundreds of times – you stop and think, you react positively, you calmly and gently refuse to be swayed – and change happens.

I’m an implementer by trade and a fixer by nature.  I’ve spent my whole career making change happen, too often by defining the steps between “here” and “there” and then acting on every one.  But there’s so much noise!  So much of what we act on isn’t really necessary.  So much of what we hear is complaining (“not actionable” in corporate-speak).  Many challenges will work themselves out if left alone.

I’m finding that to sort through the noise, to figure out what matters, to focus on only those things that matter to me, to my coworkers, to my career, I’m better off focusing on just the next step.  Just one.

When I’m in the right kind of job, I know exactly what the next step should be.  (I learned that here.)  When I focus on just the next thing, I almost always know how to do it. (I learned to trust my instincts from “Blink.”)  When I do it, I should seek feedback often to make sure we’re all on the right track, then adjust if necessary. (I learned that principle through this.)

We put a lot of effort into What and How and less into communicating Why. We do think about Why, a lot, in fact – hours upon hours of meetings about Why - but then we jump right to What and How and don’t communicate the Why.

I read Patrick Lencioni’s fantastic “Death by Meetings” two weekends ago and have been thinking about how to improve our meetings ever since. We assume that information will cascade down the management chain with accuracy and immediacy. We’re lucky to get either one, much less both, so our teams often feel like they’re out of the loop. We have a fantastic office grapevine that fills the void, but not perfectly nor always accurately.

My first thought was to hurdle the layers of management with our blog (yes, we have an internal blog which you’ll hear more about), but not only are we hesitant to document every single thing for fear that it will be outdated by the time it publishes, we also don’t want to undermine the management structure. Information is good, yes, but a positive relationship with your manager is priceless.

What then? If we can’t go straight to the source by publishing information almost real-time, we need to get better at the cascading thing, and that means we need to get better at meetings.

“Better at Meetings” = accurate, useful, and relevant information delivered by the appropriate person at the appropriate time.

Next question: How? Do you prescribe to managers how we want them to lead? (No.) Do you suggest effective methods for leading? (Perhaps.) Do you use case studies or research to make our case, or is anecdotal feedback enough? (Don’t know. Depends.) On a personal note, is this the most effective use of my role? (In impact, perhaps. In measurable impact, perhaps not.)

It’s hard to stay focused and engaged when you’re talking into a little piece of plastic. I should know: I am fully remote, working from my too-quiet home office almost 100% of the time (until I get stir-crazy and head to my nearest overpriced coffee shop).

After a series of on-site meetings a few weeks ago, I was blown away by the recollection that meetings used to be much easier. So much easier! You can see me, I can see you, we can talk about life and kids and laugh together – or not, which we can decide together through body language.

While I haven’t found an answer for virtual body language – short of webcams, which can be frustratingly difficult to use in the corporate world – I have found a trick that helps me stay focused during roundtables: photos. Before a meeting, I’ll pull up a photo of each participant and keep them on my screen. Talking to the picture feels strange at first, but it works, I’m telling you, it works.

In fact, it works so well that I’ll be including speaker photos in the corner of our presentation decks for big meetings. I say this all the time, and it’s so true: anymore, we’re all remote from someone on our team. So if the boss is in North America, we’ll display his photo to the folks in India and vice versa. I’ll let you knew how that goes.

What if you don’t have a spiffy corporate directory with photographs? Use fake ones. Have a library of faces and pick a few for each meeting. Really!

I don't know how I missed it. For the past year I've been struggling with the awareness that I'm sometimes bored to tears during meetings -- my own meetings. Nothing is worse than being bored by the sound of your own voice.

Well, maybe one thing is worse: silence. I've found myself thinking highly and positively of anyone willing to speak up and save me from a collaborative meeting gone bad. I've critiqued the questions I use to ask for involvement, I've asked for input, and I've listened frantically (yes, you can listen frantically) on every meeting I've been able to wrangle an invitation for, but my meetings still suck.

Then I read "Death by Meeting" by Patrick Lencioni.


How did I miss this man's books? Written as "business parables," they're interesting and easy reads, perfect for a flight or train trip. Despite the simple language, though, I was thoroughly engaged.

His premise: meetings, like movies, need conflict to be interesting and context to be productive. It's a fascinating and simple analogy. Read more here.