How not to handle a frustrated customer
I cried on the phone with HSBC this morning. Yes, the credit card company.
I was repeating the situation to the fourth person with as much diplomacy and understanding as I could, and suddenly, I couldn’t. So instead of yelling, I cried.
It’s really hard to be rational in the face of unfairness. I held my breath, reminded myself that it wasn’t this particular person’s fault, told myself that yelling and ranting would only make them less willing to help me, remembered every time I’ve been the manager stuck on the phone with a pissed off customer…
… but none of that worked. In the end, I caved. Three times. And each time I caved, I was angrier. Not only was I caving, I still wasn’t getting any closer to fairness. And yet I kept caving in order to show what a rational person I was so that the other person would be rational. Vicious circle (and irrational, at that).
I should have been working on a big presentation but I was talking to these jerks, except they weren’t jerks, they were just people like me making a living with the bounds of some system that tells them what they can and can’t do. And I know it wasn’t that single person’s fault, but what is a corporation if not a group of people, and if I can’t yell at them, who can I yell at? Nobody! The impotence made the frustration worse.
And as I sat crying at my desk, the frustrations kept piling up. I hadn’t gotten a chance to refill my coffee before my next meeting, hadn’t fed the dogs, hadn’t charged my phone. I hate HSBC.
But I couldn’t get over it until I learned something from it, and what I learned is applicable to both my professional and personal lives. SO THERE, JERKS, I LEARNED SOMETHING FROM MY CRAPPY EXPERIENCE WITH YOU. (Sorry, had to get it out of my system.)
What I learned from being on the wrong end of bad customer service:
Angry, unhappy, and/ or frustrated people can’t respond rationally. I kept trying, but every action I took pushed me farther away from rational. Acting rationally isn’t the same thing as politeness, and it’s not continuing to give in without getting anything in return, either. You can yell and be rational, if yelling is warranted.
When people who think of themselves as rational/ sane/ understanding/ fair are forced to be the opposite of that, they get even more angry. The more I tried to show how I’m not one of those crazy irrational jerky people, the more I felt, well, screwed. And then I was mad at being forced to be something I hate in other people – angry and poopy and on the verge of yelling at someone.
Words can’t always fix things. Actions might. As my tenuous control deteriorated, I should have hung up, but I kept hoping that my verbal control would pave the way to a more fair resolution. But words don’t fix emotions. Only time and action fix emotions which is why angry people throw things. Anger requires action; anger is not dissuaded by words. If you’ve hit Angry, it’s time for a break.
Going back through the timeline to find “a common understanding” only works before the person wants to throw things. After that, it just feels like you (the responder) are trying to get out of something. And that’s usually right. So unless you can do this near the beginning of the escalating emotions, don’t bother. It won’t work.
Gaining acquiescence isn’t always worth it. I caved three times, ended the call by thanking the woman for her time and promised myself I would never try to be understanding with them again. This is fine if you deal with people only once, but if you have a relationship (like my customers and I, like my husband and I), the stated compromise won’t be worth it, because the other person won’t even try next time, even if next time they’re clearly wrong. HSBC would have been better off if I hadn’t caved at all, because now I won’t. Ever. Again.
After all that, it doesn’t take much to get back to okay. This sucks but it’s true. If that person had gotten off the phone, done some behind-the-scenes dealing, and called me back with one thing – one little thing – I’d probably feel less screwed. Not NOT screwed, but less screwed, and at this point, I’ll take anything. I’m not saying you should screw people over to get ahead, but if you do, you can recover pretty easily. I didn’t yell at her because she was a person, and that bit of perspective would have allowed her to save the situation.
More on this later, including what not to do in a follow-up meeting about the escalation episode.
